The Contra Costa chapter of Compassionate Friends has a monthly newsletter available free. This page is devoted to sharing things that have appeared recently.
The Newly Bereaved Parent
The Newly Bereaved Parent
Dear Margaret,
You are starting a new job tomorrow and your boss will not be there. Her 21-year old son died in an accident yesterday.
I think this information may make it easier for you and her when she returns. Newly bereaved parents are fortunate if they can even make it out of bed in the morning, much less go to work. Once at work, only by erecting a “wall of work” can they focus. If that attention on work slips for even a short while — such as going on a break or to lunch — grief over the loss can roll over the protective wall like a wave and knock one flat. If there are many reminders of their child in the work environment, it is even harder to focus. It is very difficult to talk about a loss without crying, so many fear talking about their child at work. Yet their child is the one thing they most want to talk about. The best thing you can do is to offer your condolences to your boss for her terrible loss. If she wants to tell you about her child, listening respectfully will help her. A parent’s greatest fear is that their child will be forgotten by or not appreciated for who they were. That is why the bereaved parents want to talk about their child.
Another thing that happens is what I would call “grief brain”. Bereaved parents feel they are losing their mind since forgetfulness is frequent and focusing takes far more energy than usual. In this state it is too easy to make mistakes and is very embarrassing when they are found, since no one likes to be seen as not competent. Also, the grieving person may tell you to do something one day then the next day contradict themselves—since their memory simply fails at times. Some people have a lot of nervous energy and some have no energy at all—and this state can alternate throughout the day along with their ability to assist staff with their work.
Grieving parents can become very short tempered. Most have great difficulty sleeping (and for some, eating) and their view of the world has changed dramatically. A grieving parent thinks: how can my coworkers complain about a leaky faucet or a friend disliking a new dress, or someone did not “Friend” them or other such trivial things when my child is dead and my world is destroyed. It is much harder to put up with irritating ideas, people or actions. Previously mild tempered people can become quite outspoken and snappish. And finally, many grieving parents think, “How can the world just go on? How can I possibly go on?”. The sun rises and sets, people drive, go shopping, talk on phones, text, and continue their lives; and mine will never be the same again. For a grieving parent (even with other children) the future does not seem to exist and the present is grim. Later (more than year) hope appears again and life is lived rather than just going through the motions. Doing things that honor one’s child helps as does finding something to laugh about.
Best wishes for a good start on your new job.
With love, Idell
- Idell Weydemeyer and David Meredith,
parents of Donald George Meremeyer who died 10 years ago at age 25
TCF Contra Costa Chapter
A Mother of a Child with the Disease of Addiction
“I am not a good mother” – that is what she said. “I should have saved my child”. She was not alone. Many other mothers in the group agreed that they felt the same way. I also thought this for a long time until someone asked, “How can you think that you have that much power?”.
I thought about this and it was true. I did think I was powerful enough to beat this disease of addiction. No one could have told me otherwise. It’s tough to admit you are powerless – much easier to take the blame and pile it on with the guilt. As parents of addicts, we blame ourselves. We should have been tougher; we were too tough; we should have gotten help sooner; found a rehab sooner... and on and on.
There is no end to the things that we think could have saved our child if we just had done “the right thing”. The question we ask is how do we forgive ourselves even if the guilt is unreasonable. There is no answer to that question as there is no answer to the question of what one thing could have saved our child. In my experience, I have tried to be gentler and kinder to myself because I know that Lance would not have wanted me to carry this heavy burden. It breaks my heart when I hear these mothers – they loved their children and did what they thought was best with what they knew at the time.
I want them to know that they were the perfect mother for their child.
- Nancy Juracka
TCF, Contra Costa County
